Last month I started a new feature on the blog. It involves interviewing different families who are in the midst of raising a child in an urban setting (which typically means away from any family members who could help out). When I first started thinking about featuring families on the blog; I was reluctant to acknowledge the fact that there might be families without an expansively happy outlook on the whole experience. I wasn't ignorant to it (I did read the somewhat recent NY Mag article "I love my children, I hate my life"). I was just unwilling to accept it. Then there it was, staring back at me from my inbox and I knew it would have to be published. In the end, I admire the honesty of this family's answers. Transparency is the only way to really give insight on this way of life that we are exploring. Happy to introduce to you: John, Tracy and Luke:
{note: all responses are by John unless otherwise stated}
How old is Luke?
He is 3 years this past October.
what kind of work do you do?
John: Full Time Professional Freelance Photographer ( www.johnbentham.com )
Tracy: Gallery Curator with a specialty in Contemporary Art, she also runs her own Arts Consulting Service.
what neighborhood do you live in?
West Village, Manhattan.
Buy or Rent? how many bedrooms?
1 bedroom. We live in a spectacular, well maintained, doorman building within walking distance of great stores, restaurants, schools and transportation. It was perfect for the two of us but is too small now that Luke is running around.
what do you do for childcare?
We have been very fortunate with nannies. Luke is 3 years old and in that time we’ve only had two nannies. We hear stories from other parents about how lazy their nannies are, or don’t speak English, or they fail to show up for work. My accountant mentioned he and his wife had over 50 nannies while raising their kids. For the first year Luke had a great nanny, a wonderful, kind, sweet and reliable Polish woman. She left when she herself became pregnant but we are still in touch and her son gets our hand-me-down clothes and toys.
Currently we have an equally wonderful nanny, Paulina, coincidentally also Polish, who has been caring for Luke over two years who is everything we could hope for and imagine. Seriously she is great, really great ... without her we would be lost. We never worry about Luke with her and know that not only is he cared for, but enriched by time spent with her. We see many nannies in playgrounds, or at school who are simply crap. The majority sit on their asses, gabbing with other nannies, reading magazines or spending the entire time on their cell phones. Paulina is more like a teacher than a nanny and we consider ourselves so fortunate to have found her.
Luke is really smart for his age, advanced in fact. I’m not one of those idiot parents who claim their child is gifted, that’s bullshit. Luke is advanced because Paulina sits him down for part of each day and teaches him the alphabet, and numbers, and puzzles and and makes him work, then it’s play time. In addition Tracy or I read him 1-3 books every day at bedtime. As I work freelance I look after Luke one day a week. Paulina takes him to pre-school 3 days a week except for the occasional day I switch with her depending on my shoot schedule. Tracy works full time (M-F) but will usually spend alone-time with Luke for a half day on weekends, then the three of us spend time together as a family. It’s kind of a perfect arrangement and we dread the day when a change becomes necessary.
how did you find your nannies?
The first was referred by a friend of a friend. The second we found via a Polish classifieds website: http://www.bazarynka.com
do you get to go out anymore?
Paulina comes four days a week, one of which we have her stay late so we can go to a movie, or dinner. Paulina and Luke have Kid’s Night on those evenings (movies on TV). We started doing this early on thus we’ve never had problems with separation. We’re admittedly too old to be parents, me especially, this really is a business for young folks, thus a late night for us sadly is 10:30pm.
what surprised you the most about having a child?
John's response: I was not surprised, no surprises. This is exactly what I expected (times ten, as a friend of mine said after he had a child). It’s as much work as I anticipated which is why I didn’t want kids previously, putting it off as long as was possible. There is a scene in Lost in Translation that pretty much sums up being a parent. Bill Murray is lying in bed with Scarlett Johansson and Murray says - Once you have kids, life as you know it is over.
Tracy’s response:
Well, it’s true....Life as you know it is over. But for me, that was kind of the point. I wanted the experience of having a child and I was ready for that change in my life. Having a child is an irreplaceable experience. Although it is fraught with inconveniences and difficulties, I don’t regret it. I guess the love I have for my son wins out. I feel like John, Luke and I make a family. It makes me happy despite the problems it simultaneously creates.
I just read John’s responses and they make me laugh. It’s true. John is an amazing father but he is a reluctant one. It’s a conundrum. Having Luke has put a strain on our relationship and that is the only thing I regret.
do you see yourself living here in five years?
Here in this apt? Definitely not. It’s too small for the three of us, and we’re currently looking to move, probably Brooklyn for more space. Staying in New York City? Maybe ... NYC is a tough place to live, with or without kids ... It’s demanding, stressful and very expensive. We would consider a few other cities if the right work opportunity came up for either Tracy or myself. However, that said there are many things we can do here we probably couldn’t do elsewhere. For example twice we have had opportunity to bring Luke on a FDNY Fireboat. On a weekly basis either Paulina or I take him to The Children’s Museum, The Natural History Museum, on the Staten Island Ferry, on the subway or something equally fun and educational. I suspect opportunities such as these are less common elsewhere.
what are Luke’s favorite items in the apartment?
His stuffed animals: Lamby, Mousey, Knuffle-Bunny, Gray-Gray, Brownie, Blue-y, Bo-Bo, Elmo, Baby P, Luke-y, Baby Foo-Foo ... the list goes on.
any favorite blogs or websites?
For community resources Tracy likes - http://www.westvillageparents.org
For baby/child supplies – Diapers.com and Drugstore.com
I personally like www.bhphotovideo.com, however their child care information is admittedly a little thin.
what is Luke’s favorite book?
Not-a-Box – by Antoinette Portis, and Goodnight Gorilla – by Peggy Rathmann
any advice to new parents living in the city?
Don’t do it, it’s too much fucking work. It’s been three years and he’s growing on me, but the immense commitment of time, energy money and level of frustration and exasperation is more than anyone should endure. Parenthood is not for everyone. That said I tend to work very hard at anything I do and am probably taking all this too seriously. I’m the father at the playground digging in the sand, building a fire truck, or airplane that will fit 6 – 8 kids instead of the useless father on his cell phone watching the work being done. Pitch in you lazy ass. As for the issue of raising kids in NYC versus the ‘burbs or in the country I can’t offer a comparison. Though I will say whenever we travel out of town as a family it seems to be a bit more fun ... but no less work.
Is Tracy happy with the decision to have a child?
We worked very hard to have a child, no pun intended. Getting pregnant was a long process and there were issues initially which we ultimately overcame. Tracy is thrilled with having a child. Luke is everything she dreamed of, she lies awake at night dreaming up ways to protect him from heartache and harm.
I’m torn, I vacillate between wanting to throw myself under a bus, or him .... and vivid poignant moments of just loving him. I was sick this week, in bed. At one point Luke curled up with me and started rubbing my back, and said - It’s OK daddy, I’ll take care of you (he’s three remember). Tracy on the other hand just loves him, but this whole thing was her idea. Obviously I’m still working out the kinks.
John Bentham is beginning work on a book about his experience with fatherhood, part catharsis, part rant. Working tiles include: I Hate Kids, A Reluctant Fathers Guide to Parenting, and What the Fuck Was I thinking! A Father Tells The Truth About Parenthood.
John Bentham is an award-winning commercial and fine art photographer specializing in documentary and portraiture. His clients and publications include AUDI, Ericsson, Mercedes-Benz, Newsweek, The New York Times, Panasonic, GE, Pfizer, Rolling Stone, Sony, Time, United Technologies and Vanity Fair. John has exhibited in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Toronto, Paris, Mexico, Tokyo and Prague. See his work at www.johnbentham.com
